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April Fools' Articles

Mardigian Library to remove all books; students won't notice

By Asinusim Inlitteratus

Students visiting UM-D's newly-renovated Mardigian Library will find plenty of room to study and hang out, now that the books are gone. Library administrators undertook the renovations in response to a Student Government petition, removing all books and shelving and installing a state-of-the-art sound system and night club-style lighting.

UM-D students ink long-term love pact

By K-Fed

It's only one week into the spring dating season and a blockbuster deal has already been completed. Ending a three-month lockout, engineering junior Michael Reynolds has inked a one-year relationship extension with communications sophomore Heidi Grzelak. The move has been termed "unprecedented" by UM-D students who heard the news Monday afternoon in the University Center.

Chancellor Little drops rap album, changes moniker

By Rich Boy

UM-D's own Chancellor Daniel Little has apparently decided to try his hand at music. And not just any kind of music, but hip-hop, under the rapper moniker "Little D." For the lyrical subject matter, Little is sticking to what he knows best: philosophy of social science.

U-M to build $750M facility in Pasadena

By Tom Goss

LOS?ANGELES - The Board of Regents at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor has approved plans for a new $750-million practice facility in Pasadena, CA, Athletic Director Bill Martin said in a news conference today. The structure, to be named "The Bo Schembechler Memorial Runners-Up of the West Athletic Center," will be completed in 2010, which Martin hopes will give UM enough time to lose at least two more Rose Bowls.

UM-D athletics to pay players to be better

By William Wesley

After 47 years of losing records and not-as-good-as-other-WHAC-schools athletes, University of Michigan-Dearborn Athletic Director Steve Rotta announced Friday that the department will employ an illegal payment system for its current and future players in order to improve its athletics reputation.

MJ staffer object of longing, desire

By George W. Hmar

A campus mystery is solved, thanks to one Student Government member's courageous admission of his shameful secret. "I can't stop. I know I need help and that's why I'm talking to you, wallah," said the SG member, speaking on condition of anonymity. For several months, the staff at The Michigan Journal has been perplexed by the daily removal of their copy editor's picture from the staff board in the hall outside the MJ office.

New party heats up SG elections

Sparty Party makes environment, parking lot new issues of campaign

By Katherine Harris

Watch out Maize and Blue Party and move over Unity Slate. The Sparty Party has just announced their intention of joining the current Student Government election at the University of Michigan-Dearborn. Both the presidential and vice presidential candidates for the Sparty Party transferred to UM-D last fall from Michigan State.

SAB presents another MTV person you've never heard of

By Carson Daly

Last Thursday, the University of Michigan-Dearborn Student Activities Board brought Piggy Thomas to Kochoff Hall in the UC to talk about her career, her battle with influenza and what's next for the American actress. Thomas, a native of Wooster, Ohio, began her career in 1994 as a participant on MTV's "Road Rules," which was in its first season at the time.

Avian Assault: Mourning doves terrorize Michiganders, passing Prop 3 big mistake

By Larry Bird

LANSING - Last fall, Michigan's voters overwhelmingly rejected "Proposal 3," which sought to permanently create an official state-wide season for the hunting of mourning doves, one of the most popular game birds in the United States. Forget about the irony that millions of people who don't have a problem with eating cows and pigs turned out in droves to save little gray birds.

Elect intellect?

We assume that all SG presidential candidates are smart, but was it a purposeful tactic to add intelligence to Brian Berry's name on a chalkboard in CASL last week? So does that mean Pinky will be the new secretary?

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